Happy new year!

May 2008 be full of health, love and peace to you all.

Happy new Year!

Wish list

After all the traveling, here comes the cold.... yes, I feel all worn out and with a cold starting. I won't complain too much, at least I have the time to relax a bit in the next couple of days. 

While away there was an issue regarding work that followed me and actually made me think about things I would like to improve on in the coming year.

I was home when I received an e-mail from this ex-colleague (the one that took over one hour for her first point). Actually, I didn't receive it in the sense that she wrote to me,  I was just put in the cc part of the message.

We have been receiving bursaries for our students from the University of X in Europe. Now ex-colleague is in another country but while she was here she was dealing with the bursaries (I gave her this part of the job that I was dealing with before her arrival). Now she receives news that WE have some bursaries for the summer. What does she do?

Let's think about an intelligent answer...... and that's not what she has done!

She put my name in cc and she answered to Prof. X from the University of X saying that she is not in Canada anymore and she is now in New Country and she would like to receive new boursaries for her new University.

.........

Do you think she said: could you please send the information to Ph.D.Ladybug? Or something like another person in now in charge in Canada, if you want to contact her? No, nothing! She just put my name there in the cc space and I had to write to Prof X, and all the rest. 

Now I wonder what kind of an effort it would have been for her to mention my name, just out of respect if not kindness. Obviously it was too much to her. And I felt like this was really my last drop. I had helped her out while in Canada for a long time, I fought to keep her in Canada when she was sent away, I worked my butt off for her when she needed me and there is nothing more she can write? To acknowledge the people around you?

Anyway, this detail really pissed me off during the holidays. And it made me think about work relationships and how hard it is to have a straight relationship with people around and how rare it is that you get recognition for what you have done. I feel bad about it because I try to make a lot of efforts to thank people around me. I truly believe that being honest is very important and a simple gesture as a thank you note or a verbal thank you for what you have done, is a motivation for the person who receives it. If our secretary helps me out with the photocopy machine, I thank her. If the other secretary looks up something for me I thank her. If a student is kind and does something, I thank him/her. 

How come it is so hard to be nice to people around you? How come a lot of people around me seem to take this for granted? I respect them but it's not a two way street?

My Husband thinks I project an image of being too much open to help others and he thinks people can take advantage of it. I think he is right in a certain way, and I guess I have to find a different way in doing what is right without sacrificing my time, my priorities or my interests. It was the same thing with ex-friend from hell. And other people. So I guess there is a pattern here. And I have to learn from it. 

With ex-colleague I decided not to answer her, but to write to Prof. X telling I was in charge (not for long now) and if she could possibly send me all the information. I didn't send any wishes for the season, I just ignored her. If she is not aknowledging me, why should I do the same?

This is another reason why my letter is ready. I will bring it in on Jan. 4. I will resign. And I will only teach from mid-January on. I will have back my time, my schedule and hopefully a piece of my life that was suffering under the circumstances. I made a difficult decision. But if I stay I will suffer even more. So I decided to take the jump.

It will be an exciting new year.

I am back

Finally I am back home. I arrived yesterday around noon after a long long flight (8 hours in enough to drive me nuts) and managed to stay awake until 5 p.m. After that I fell asleep on the couch and at 7 p.m. I climbed into bed. (aaahhhh, that was relief!)

I slept until almost 6:30 this morning and I feel rested and fine. 

Husband was at the airport waiting for me with a nice bouquet of flowers and both the furry monsters were happy to see me. Black cat climbed into bed to curl up with me during the night. Our dog is healing nicely and will get the stitches out on Jan. 2.

On my next post I should be blogging about a couple of things that bothered me while away (it' about my job) and what I plan for next year. Sort of resolution kind of thing. 

For now, enjoy the rest of 2007.....

Travel home but where?

I hope you all had a very nice Christmas. I spent it with my family at home.

Only my maternal grandmother was able to make it for the Cristmas lunch as both my paternal grandparents are living in a retirement home and are now confined on wheelchairs (very very sad).

After 10 days of living with my parents I start to feel the effects of it all. It's not that I don't love them, is that I need my space. If I was coming home more often I could probably think about an alternative accommodation (renting? buying?) but as things are for now, I really don't think it would be an intelligent choice. (when husband is here we do go to an hotel)

In any case, after a while here I start to miss my apartment, my husband and my furry lovable monsters. When I am there I miss my family and my friends. So I'm always in between, nor here nor there. And there is nothing I can do about it but accept the situation.

It's hard because you never feel completely home anywhere. But you do feel comfortable anywhere also. I love to travel so I like to go in new places and explore. One Christmas I would like to have a big space where all my friends (from everywhere) and family could come and visit. Where, with Husband, we make OUR Christmas tradition (last year at my in-laws was the worst Christmas I have ever had and this year I miss Husband) with the people we love. Just one big party open to everybody.
Maybe next year?

And I will travel home in two days. Tomorrow I will start packing. I have to confess that I did quite some shopping. I love the fashion here, cozy and warm. So I piled up nice little warm wool dresses that I can wear with a pair of jeans for the day and with nice coloured thights at night. I hope my suitcase isn't too heavy....

I will be writing from home next time, and hopefully the trip back won't be too long.

Best wishes

For a happy holiday and all the best for you and your families.

Let the holidays begin

After a couple of busy days, working on emergency crisis (that colleague had to use the student mid-term to calculate the student final note), and other stuff, I decided that that's it, no more work until I go back home. 

So I don't care if Student1 writes that she is soooo sorry to write me during the holidays but she would like to know her grade. Well, she will have to wait. She could have written before the end of the week, now I really don't answer to anybody except good friends!

I went out for dinner and a movie yesterday with some friends and we ended up chatting until 2:30 a.m. in the morning! That felt good, it has been such a long time since I even went out the last time (I can't remember when that was... how sad). 

Today I met some other friends and tomorrow I'll take it easy. I need to "work" on my sleep and relax. Next week I'll be going back to Canada (already!) so I better enjoy the time left. 

The shopping is over, now all I want to do is relax, have fun with my family and friends and enjoy my last week home.

Why?

can't I be left alone?????

I received 2 e-mails from work: the first one about some money I can obtain for the department and I need to get together a list of books by Jan. 10, and the rest is from a Colleague: she lost a final exam of a student...... (!!!!!!) or better she says she doesn't have it.

The Student is saying she gave it to her and after she left the class. Colleague can't find the exam...... Student is sure about the fact she gave it to Colleague......

I don't know who's right or wrong but I surely check that ALL my students bring the exam to me before leaving the class.....

Before consulting with anyone, (because I find this is a diffoult situation and I would ask for help) Colleague wrote to Student that Student has 2 choices: living without that 25% (I would kill my professor with that) or do another exam in January..........

What would you go for?

If a student give in her exam, then you ARE responsible to take care of it. I understand that in a particular moment errors do happen. And I do misplace stuff from time to time (where is that paper? at home? at the office?) But I have never lost an exam nor a paper. And now I am just embarrassed. For the Colleague that could have at least talked to someone before giving out an answer that doesn't make sense. On the top of it, Student is claiming she gave the exam WITH the course evaluation to Colleague. As far as I am concerned I get out of the class when the students are writing their evals while one student is the designated one to take care of them and I go back in class when they call me in and the designated one went to give in the envelope.

Now how come the evals were given to the professor?

This means a lot of trouble. Am I happy I am far far away.........
(and this Colleague has a history of complaints.... )

I need to write my resignation letter ASAP.

When everything arrives at the same moment

I arrived safe and tired. I slept for 15 hours last night (now I won't be able to sleep for the next 2 days!) and today I wanted to take it easy and relax.

Then Advisor wrote about what the External examiner wanted: the comments are positive but he has questions regarding: language of quotations and the style for the quotations. I used my mother tongue, English and French (hey, the last two are official languages, right?).

Earth, we have a problem!

First, I used the original language wherever possible but yes, I quoted German philosophers in English or in French because I don't speak German. If I did, I would have quoted them in German.

Then, Advisor tell me I should add a translation in my mother tongue as the dissertation is in my mother tongue. All the fu...g citations? Am I supposed to translate them? Am I supposed to go broke to buy all the X translation of the X author? Excuse me, aren't we here comparatists, with a knowledge of a minimum of 3 languages? (that was the requirement to get in my program) Should I translate the obvious? Why some other colleagues of mine didn't have to do it (I checked other dissertations, don't you think, before writing mine).

Style: I have asked every single persons in the department and nobody came up with an answer. Everybody told me: you write with the style you prefer. So I did it. I used Chicago. Now they want MLA. NOW, for crying out loud.

I answered Advisor. She told me she doesn't know how to do it....... Why should I know instead?????
..............
..............

Earth, we have a damn good problem here!

What am I supposed to do if SHE does't know. If I asked about it and she coudn't give me answers way before I submitted the dissertation. And now it looks like it's my fault and I don't even know how to put these things together. Of course I know, if only someone would give me a clear answer!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tell what you want but decide. I'll do it. End of the f.....g matter!

Very good start for a holiday........

And, you won't believe that, remember the student that was always writing for a favor, it has been 7 years he's asking for a favor. Well he wrote me!!!!! AGAIN!!!! Asking me if he could give my e-mail to a friend of his to ask me questions!!!!!!

What the hell????????????????

I wrote him back just saying that I am on holidays and I am very busy ALL the time and I don't have ANY free time for ANYBODY. At least I was clear enough!

Sometimes I really think I get into these situations because I am just an idiot! (more self-guilt and deprecation, because I feel guilty I didn't help or whatever) Why can't I simply say: I don't have time, I have helped you long enough, go your way now? Why can't I do it right away? My Husband thinks I am too nice with everybody, and I should be firmer. Let me tell you I am learning here. Big time!

I think in 2008 I will go into a decluttering mode: free my life from all these things and move on.

Transit

I am transiting at the Frankfurt airport. I have to stay here for 2 hours, so I decided to get an internet pass to spend time doing stuff. 

I slept on the intercontinental flight, almost all the time (actually I fell asleep even before they served dinner, just to mention how tired I am). I can't wait to get on my connection so I'll sleep again. (Am I groundhog?)

The airport is not one of my favorites. I prefer Munich much better. this one is cluttered (or at least the part where I am). We left late because we had a drunk and noisy passenger on board that was kindly asked to leave the flight. I still have to understand why someone would do something like that. Anyway, I finished all the work regarding the "gift" before leaving and on my last day I talked to my director about my intention of leaving (by the way I am sorry for the misspellings, blogger moved to the German spelling and I don't have a clue how to switch it back to English), and she couldd understand very well about all the pressure I am under. 

I will give you an exemple: I wrote the 2 documents we have to submit (the Vice-Dean will only sign it), I contacted one professor overseas for a special course(and the VD will only sign it), I arrange a very good bursary amount for one of our students and the VD will sign it. I worked till f...ing 11 the other night and the VD will take the merit. 

I guess I am done. I really did it for the cause because it was something I had to do, but that's it, no more! If this University will want me back in a position of sort they will call me. if not I'll go back to beign a regular Faculty Lecturer, a position I have always been very pleased with. And I'll get my free time back. And my life. I can't work from 6:30 to 11 at night where I am. And not publishing. I need to get out of there. I guess I will have the next two weeks to write a nice letter.

Time to catch some.... sleep!

Ready? Go!

I have packed and I am ready to go. 75 notes are in.

One problem: I sent the notes and now the secretary told me there is one student that isn't on the official list anymore. Now: it is a system problem or someone that just sneaked in?

Honestly I don't want to know, just let me go!

I'll be writing in a couple of days....

Quick update

The furry monster came home with two stitches and glue. And 20 pills to pop in the next 10 days. He is sooo happy to be home. And I am happy to have him back. 

Now the question is: will his fur ever grow back? He still has the patch from August that is a different colour from the rest of his fur. 

I still have to pack. I wonder how do you pack light? I'll give my best. Cross your fingers. This time I really want to leave with the bare minimum (and yes, I will be shopping while there, so I need space!)

Shit!

I arrived home from my walk with my lovely furry monster and... again! He had a big cut on the shoulder. This morning he played with the same dog he played with this summer and when we arrived home and I was taking out his collar, I found out he was bleeding. I was so upset and sorry for him. So I called up a friend that was so kind to drive me to the vet and the vet was very very kind in reassuring me that he was OK. He had a couple of stitches -again!- and he was glued (ah, that's the funny part!) too, so she was able to do everything only on local anesthesia.

Now, the problem is: how do I introduce that to the owner of the other dog? I spoke with a friend who also walks his two dogs with me in the morning (we are a nice group of neighbours) and he was, well, a bit concerned because it's not that the other dog is mean, but this animal is so little taken care of and walked very little that when she plays she has an excessive amount of force and energy. How am I going to tell the owner: you should take care of your dog, so she won't hurt mine?

And she is a neighbour too, so I can't necessarily avoid her as we have an "open policy": see you at the meeting point between 7 and 7:10 a.m.

Should I ask her to keep an eye on her dog? Should I ask her to keep her dog at a distance? Anyway, it's tricky.....

My vet was upset, and I am too. And by the way, I am very happy I have insurance because this is again a 400$ bill...

Now, on another note, I have been working as crazy in the last couple of days. Two days to go, only 2 more days.......

Too busy

to write. I leave on Friday, I will spend X-mas at home, overseas. 

I am stressed and tired. 

Holidays where are you?

Hopefully I will be able to post next week.

Meetings

I had the meeting with the Vice-Dean the other day about this "gift".... And all the problems about the program I am working in (the two are related, which means gift=we open classes, no gift=we'll close down). The same morning my director told me that the Faculty wants to cut classes if we don't have a minimum of 30 students per class. Now, I would like to check with everybody who is teaching a foreign language and learn how many students do you have in literature classes offered and taught in another language. Where I am, we have the pyramid effect: a lot of students in elementary level, a good enrollment in intermediate and not too bad at the advanced. What do you think we have when classes are offered only in X language and students must reach the advanced level to get in? Even less. So if classes are closed at 30 students max. at the elementary level how am I supposed to get 30 in a super advanced class?

Anyway, I was informed that they are cutting down, and VD started to talk about committees, professors, who should do what, while I had to have the pleasure of letting VD know that if my elementary levels are getting cut, then there's the domino effect and if the faculty ordered that, maybe there is a problem because another VD ordered the opposite of what VD wants. (communication 101, please!).

Anyway, I am not going into details, but as always VD listened very little, and made big plans. Plans that don't make sense if things won't change (excuse me for being cryptic here) and if the program won't change and if someone won't work on it seriously.

As for myself, I had my share of stress and I just want to leave. If I stay I will get consumed by all this and right now I just need the time to focus on my stuff. I talked it over with Advisor today also because I wanted to ask her a couple of things about the defense. She agrees that I should get out of there. She realized how much work and how much pressure this was on me even while writing the Ph.D. and she definitely thinks that if I stay it might not be a good thing on the long run. 

So I guess that the new year will bring some surprises. 

Right now I am just exhausted about all this and I have 30 exams to grade hopefully before tomorrow. Tomorrow morning I am going to see husband in our new apartment and we will have his office's X-mas party tomorrow night. He is very excited and I am very...... tired! Party? What party? I am totally sleep deprived (not good). Sounds fun. 

I'll be back Monday.

What should I do?

Ok, back to the problems in the office. I talked with my Advisor and she fixed a couple of things, talking with people in the highest hierarchy. Now we have a problem: there's a lot of paperwork that has to be done to get this gift for next year too. And because it is supposed to bring in even a bigger gift, now there will be even more work. 

But I don't think it's me who should do it. I am not in the position. i have been hired to coordinate language classes and in reality I am coordinating the program in this language. I am being paid very little for this. Just to give you a comparison: if I teach a 3 credit course, which is 3 hours a week, I earn 80$ less than what I learn for 18 hours of paper work. Yes, now it's out in the public sphere! :-)

Obviously it has been useful in times where I couldn't teach because a lot of "old" (sorry, they were all super nice) lecturers had seniority. Now they are all gone and I can teach up to 4 classes per trimester. So I can make some good money in teaching 12 hours a week. 

It's more than enough. But if I add the 18 hours of paper work, it adds up to 30 hours of work. and I don't count preparation, grading, and everything else. 

Basically if I want to work on my MY stuff I have to work on weekends. And sometimes I am too tired to do that. 

So if I leave the paper work, I would still earn well enough to live. And all I would have to do is showing up for classes: no more stress about getting things done and no more frustration. 

And I would have 18 hours for me and my research. 

If I stay, I don't publish (will I perish?), and I don't advance with my career. If I go, I have 18 hours of freedom for MY stuff. If I go, there's a risk that even the current courses may fall apart except for the language ones. (but with the seniority I have now I can always teach a minimum of 6 credits per trimester while looking for another job) If I stay and I don't publish I will jeopardize my future -I think- and I will get stuck into an impossible situation. If I go I take a leap of faith that I will find a real job in the future and I won't regret it later on.

What should I do? Comments from all of you would be greatly appreciated.

Cold

-24 with the wind chill. And it's only Dec. 1.

Wish me and all other Canadians luck!